i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
