btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
