Jerry, you need to find god
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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