I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
