I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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