Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
