two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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