all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
