The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
