You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
