she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
