so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
