You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
