I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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