my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
