Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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