there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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