why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize
