dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
