Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Randomize
