i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
