I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
