SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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