So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
