Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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