Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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