He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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