matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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