we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
