Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize