I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
