I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
