Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
