uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
