Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
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