I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
