She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i believe in u and ur pee
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
