Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
