just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
