I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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