who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
you had me at cake vodka
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
