Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
