my vag is so smooth its legendary
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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