it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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