Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Let's get the cat blown out
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
