I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
