at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
