omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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