My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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