I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
