I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
