When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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