Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
