I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
