you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
