Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
