i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
