I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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