What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
